


Boxing With No Gloves

by azsthztxc



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Arguing, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Pre-Relationship, Tags Are Hard, Takes place ambiguously between 3x05 and 3x06, basically Buck and Eddie talk things out and there's confessions along the way, mentions of fighting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-04
Updated: 2019-11-04
Packaged: 2021-01-23 02:51:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,751
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21312976
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/azsthztxc/pseuds/azsthztxc
Summary: Eddie comes home after a rough night to find Buck, of all people, waiting in his living room. As such, an argument over street fighting and lawsuits ensues.a.k.a. Buck and Eddie talk about their feelings and maybe confess a few along the way.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Eddie Diaz, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz
Comments: 14
Kudos: 300





	Boxing With No Gloves

**Author's Note:**

> For the anon who sent me the following prompt:  
... I’d love a sweet story about Buck finding out Eddie street fighting (maybe Eddie gets hurt or Lena tells him) and confronting him about it. Punches being thrown would be cool too.
> 
> I opted to not include the punching as I'm not a fan of the whole "Eddie punches Buck" trope, but I hope you like the work anyways.
> 
> Title from Afterglow by Taylor Swift

_Fighting with a true love is boxing with no gloves._

“For someone who accused me of not thinking about Christopher, I really want to know what the hell was going through your head.”

Eddie pushes Buck’s hands away from his face, “You do _not_ get to play the Christopher card with me.”

“Well, you should’ve thought of that before you went and joined a fight club as a form of anger management,” Buck emphasizes with a swipe of an alcohol wipe over a cut on Eddie’s forehead. “You don’t get to yell at me for only thinking about myself when you pull shit like this.”

“What else was I supposed to do?!” Eddie stands, whisper-yelling and rocking Buck backwards in his squatting position with the momentum. “It’s not like I could just call you and be like, ‘Hey, Buck, I know you’re suing us, but do you think we can hit the gym?’”

“No, but there’s Bobby. Chim. Hen. Fuck, there’s even Lena, your new _partner_.”

Eddie rolls his eyes at the tone, “Who do you think brought me there in the first place?”

“Lena, no doubt, but you’re also a grown-ass adult,” Buck pushes off the ground, eyes bright and accusing.

He jabs a finger at Eddie’s chest, voice low, but pointed, “I don’t give a shit if she took you there initially. You chose to go back tonight. You chose to get in that fight. And you chose to not think about what impact that would have on Christopher.”

“And you?” Eddie laughs. “After all you’ve done?”

“Only one of us is his father,” Buck glares, throwing a thumb in the direction of Christopher room.

Of course, they’re in the bathroom so it’s not like Buck’s really gesturing to anything, but Eddie still follows the line. Follows the tension from Buck’s elbow to wrist, to his cotton-filled fist and extended thumb, all accusation and disappointment.

Because Eddie knows.

He knows that outside the bathroom is a hallway ten steps to Christopher’s door that’s been shut since Eddie got back home. The dim lighting from the room and Buck’s refusal to yell, ensures him that Christopher is asleep.

Thank God for that, because he doesn’t even know how he’d explain his current state to his son.

Doesn’t know how he’ll explain it tomorrow.

Doesn’t know how to look back at Buck, either, because he’s not wrong.

As angry as Eddie was at Buck for hurting Christopher, for casting them aside for some selfish lawsuit, Christopher’s not his son. It’s not Buck’s responsibility to put Christopher first. It’s not Buck’s job to take care of him and it certainly isn’t his fault of Eddie became a little to relient on his constant presence.

It’s really not.

“If you don’t care, then just get out,” Eddie shoves Buck away and makes a beeline towards the door, only for a grip around his arm to stop him. “What?!”

Buck gives him one glance over and then just shakes his head, hand dropping, “If I didn’t care, I wouldn’t be here, Eddie.”

“Yeah, well, like you said, you’re not Christopher’s parent.”

Without a glance backwards, Eddie heads to his own room to change out of his sweat-soaked shirt and dirtied jeans. He’s pulling on a new top when, expectedly, Buck comes in. He lingers in the doorway, arms crossed and eyes still accusing, though now a little softer.

“I might not be his parent, but someone has to be looking out for you two,” blue eyes meet Eddie’s own. “I’m sorry I fucked up with the lawsuit, and I know that it may not seem like it, but I do care about Christopher.

“And you.”

With that, both men divert their eyes to more interesting things like the floor and plain, white walls. It easier that way. Easier to brush off confirmations of something more in lieu of neither of them being ready for what _more_ implies.

Because, despite the anger, Eddie knows Buck cares. He knows that Buck would move mountains for Christopher, for Eddie, and that scares the living shit out of him, because how do you trust that?

If Shannon ran away—hell, if Eddie ran away—what’s stopping Buck from doing the same?

Or, well, Eddie shouldn’t be surprised that Buck _did_.

“Then why’d you do it?” Eddie voice breaks and the question comes out more nervous than angry. Less Howie’s Market drama and more post-tsunami, “Where’s Christopher?” Eddie’s not proud of it, never comfortable with the fear to lose people who aren’t afraid to leave him and Christopher behind.

Buck’s eyes come back to meet his own, stormy seas of frustration and desperation, “I keep telling you guys and maybe it’s because you all can’t understand, but this job is everything I’ve got.

“I don’t have kids or girlfriends or wives or husbands to come back home to. There’s no calling for me outside of this, so yes, I’m going to fight til my last breath to hang on to whatever it is I’ve got left.”

“You’ve got us!” Eddie exclaims. “We keep telling you and you keep pushing us away. If you’re going to criticize us for hurting you, maybe don’t go about it by suing us and pushing away the family you’ve got!”

Buck’s now laughing, a little wet and a little broken, “I thought about it. Thought about how losing me wouldn’t mean much, couldn’t mean much if I was being pushed out and replaced. Thought about how you all were fine before me and could easily return to that after I left.”

And, _dios_, Eddie just wants to punch him in his dumb face <strike>with his own face.</strike>

“Uhh...” There’s blood rising to Buck’s cheeks and for a moment Eddie thinks Buck’s pissed off.

“Look, man,” he gesture vaguely to the room, the world. “Shit happens. We get knocked down and then we get back up. No one, not Cap or Hen or Chim or me, was replacing you. Lena is a temp. As for not being let back, Bobby’s just looking out for you.”

“R-Right,” Buck squeaks, hand flailing for a moment before rubbing the back of his neck. “About that other part though...”

“I’m done,” Eddie turns away quickly, hyper-aware of the shirt he still needs to put on. “It’s over. Finished. No need to worry about it or me or Christopher anymore.”

“Eddie...” The other man reaches out for the second time that night, though now stopping short of any actual contact. “If you’re angry, it’s okay, I get it. But, you can’t just keep it bottled up or go out fighting every other night.”

“Well, if you’re implying I talk to you, you better rethink that,” Eddie feels the anger bubbling up again. “Just because I can see where coming from doesn’t mean it’s suddenly okay.”

Buck runs an exasperated hand over his face, “And I get that. I know I fucked up and I’m sorry about that. I’m sorry to the team, to Bobby, to Christopher, to you. I’ll do whatever it takes to get your forgiveness, but you can’t do this, Eddie.”

“Well what else am I supposed to do?” and he looks all the kinds of lost that Buck never even knew Eddie was capable of until Shannon died.

“Ask for help. From Bobby or Chim or Hen. There’s people there—“

“And if I want to talk to you?” Eddie raises an eyebrow. “The whole issue is that you _left_! How am I supposed to talk to you? How am I supposed to _trust_ you?

“This entire time, all I needed was you. You to be there for me like I would’ve been there for you if you just talked to me!”

A silence takes over the room with that, just labored breathing and Buck’s racing thoughts. He takes in Eddie’s tense stance and the mix of pain and anger in his eyes. Buck wonders what’s in his own.

“I didn’t—I didn’t realize—“

“Of course you didn’t! Because you didn’t think!” Eddie exclaims crowding Buck towards the wall. “This whole time you didn’t think about anyone but yourself! Didn’t think how the lawsuit would affect _us_ and didn’t think that maybe we’d be on your side! Why couldn’t you just—“

“Eddie!”

Their eyes meet and Buck, like in the bathroom, points in the direction of Christopher’s room. They listen for any movement and let go of their held breath once a sufficient term of silence passed.

Their faces are inches apart and they’re practically breathing each other’s air. Eddie isn’t sure if Buck can hear his heart racing, but he wouldn’t be surprised. The really question is why exactly it is.

Eddie eyes flit to to Buck’s lips before he pushes away to the other side of the room, “Sorry.”

“It’s....” Buck begins, breathing heavier. “Just what’s going on? I’ve never seen you so—“

“What? Filled with so much rage?” Eddie’s voice is gruff as he slides down the wall across from Buck.

“At me?” the other firefighter asks as he slowly crosses the room.

“At you. At Bobby. At Shannon. At the world,” Eddie drops his head, resting on his knees. “I’ve never not been mad at the universe, but something just _snapped_.”

He flinched slightly when Buck moves to sit next to him along the wall. He knows Buck’s right, knows he has to talk about it and find some healthier release, but who hasn’t fallen weak to the things that come easy?

Buck’s shoulder is soft against his own and Eddie finds himself afraid of not being capable of being gentle enough.

“I know you think you just have to keep moving and eventually you’ll leave all the bad behind,” Buck is staring straight ahead. “But you can’t outrun the things you don’t let go.”

“I can’t just _let go_,” Eddie twists his hair in his hands. “My wife died and not long after you get crushed by a ladder truck. Then a fucking tsunami hits and Christopher is traumatized. On top of that, you decide to sue everyone and agree to not talk to us. I can’t just forget all that!”

“Then don’t,” Buck shrugs. “Don’t let it go and don’t just forget it, but don’t try to outrun the feelings because all they’re going to do is catch up.

“Shannon’s death is always going to hurt because that’s how loss works. You know that. There’s nothing wrong with feeling that hurt or being sad or scared. You should know, better than any of us, that losing people happens. Doesn’t make it easier, _shouldn’t_ make it easier, but it happens and there’s nothing wrong with the feelings that come with it.”

Eddie rests the side of his head on his knees so he can see Buck. The other man is still facing ahead, so he can’t tell what exactly Buck’s feeling and he’s too afraid to reach out.

“As for the truck and the tsunami... Shit, I was scared. Christopher was scared. It’s okay that you were, too. Doesn’t mean you’re not strong and capable of taking care of the people in your life. It’s just that the universe throws curveballs all at once and there’s no time to brace for any of them.”

Buck finally meets Eddie’s eyes, “You said I needed to suck it up and keep moving forward and maybe you were right. But you? You need to pause and just... Feel it.”

“What good is that going to do?” Eddie scoffs. “I’ve got a kid, Buck. I can’t just—“

“If you can’t take care of yourself,” Buck pauses and prays what he says next isn’t overstepping. “How are you going to take care of Christopher?”

“It’s not like I can’t take care of myself or my son, Buck!” Eddie sputters.

What even is Buck thinking? Eddie doesn’t think he’s ever shown a lack of ability to take care of Christopher. Yeah, there were difficult moments, but he got this. Hell, he’s had this for years. Eddie might not be perfect, but he sure wouldn’t just _neglect_—

“I never said you neglected Christopher, but this?” Buck gestures wildly to Eddie’s cuts and bruises. “This isn’t taking care of anyone, Christopher especially.”

Eddie looks away at that, “I know it’s selfish... I just can’t cope sometimes.”

“Hey,” Buck places a hand over Eddie’s, “I’m the last person to judge you on how you deal with hurt, much less that anger isn’t the option.”

“It’s so much easier to just... be angry about it. To blame the world for all the shit that I’ve failed at,” Eddie squeezes his eyes shut and pushes down the overwhelming sense of guilt.

It’s always been that way. Make a choice he didn’t think through, see people hurt because of him, and then regret it all. Take that regret, turn it into guilt, and repeat the process over again. Eddie’s been trapped in the cycle before, ran away from his wife and son, and the idea of being back to that person, the person who runs and leaves when things get too tough? Eddie can’t handle being him again.

“When Abby left...” Buck tightens his grip around Eddie’s hand. “When she left or when I figured out it was time to move on, there was a point where I thought about going back to Buck 1.0. 

“Because that was the easy thing, right? It’s easy to go back to things that worked. Maybe not in the long-run, but in the moment? It made the hurting, less. It made the lonely, less. It never made anything okay, but it was better than nothing.”

Eddie spares Buck a glance. Take’s in the tension in his body and the uncharacteristic way Buck just seems to lack... feeling? Eddie can’t help but catalogue the contrast in Buck’s steady gaze ahead and pressure on his own hand.

“I didn’t want to, though. I never liked being that person. No one really liked that me, either. It would be easy because I knew that person. But, I couldn’t really be that person, not really,” Buck glances towards Eddie and now he can see the tears in the blond firefighter’s eyes. “I never had family outside of Maddie before the 118. Didn’t have the kind of people who were just... There for you, through thick and thin. I couldn’t be who I was because I didn’t have everyone.

“I didn’t have you.”

“You’ve got us now, though,” Eddie squeezes the hand in his.

“I know,” Buck smiles softly in all the ways Eddie <strike>knows</strike> <strike>hopes</strike> wishes was just for him. “That’s why, despite everything, I could ’t be him. Couldn’t be who I was with Abby, either. I’ve got people—family—and I like that me hell of a lot more.

“You? You’ve got us. You’ve got the 118 and you’ve got me. You’re not in this alone and never have been. But Eddie, we can’t help you if you don’t tell us when you need to.”

“Isn’t that hypocritical?” Eddie raises an eyebrow.

Buck laughs, “Call it speaking from experience.”

Eddie sighs, “I get it. I’ve had people. I’ve had Shannon and my brothers from my tours. I know I have everyone, but I didn’t have—Well, I didn’t have—There wasn’t—I couldn’t—

“I didn’t have you.”

Buck opens his mouth to speak but Eddie cuts him off, “I get it. This isn’t me trying to blame you. I know why you did what you did and I understand, but I need you to understand, too, okay?”

The other man nods and pretends to zip his mouth shut.

Eddie shakes his head, “You’re a child. No wonder you get along with Christopher.”

Buck is smug with eyes twinkling.

“Back to... _it_,” and the fond look falls from Eddie’s face. “I’ve grown to depend on you, Buck, which maybe isn’t healthy, but I guess I expected you be here no matter what.

“And then when you weren’t, it was like the rug was pulled from beneath me? We trusted you—I trusted you—and then you just disappeared because you didn’t want to talk things through? I was livid.”

He’s not angry now, not really, but it just comes back when he’s hurting. It’s never anger initially, he’s well aware of that. But he has to be strong for Christopher, he cannot break, so anger is much easier than hurting and it isn’t running away. It isn’t. 

Eddie’s eyes drift away from Buck’s and to a spot behind his head, “I was angry from before, at Shannon, then the universe, and then for the stupid bomber. The world kept taking and taking and I couldn’t do shit to stop it. So when you were gone?

“I was angry at you. I was angry at you for agreeing to that lawsuit. I was angry because you didn’t think and you just... Were okay with not talking to us? Didn’t think what that would mean? But mostly I was angry at for myself for expecting anything. For expecting you to always be there. For expecting you to stay. For wanting...”

Eddie trails off and prays that for once Buck doesn’t think about what that last part might’ve been. One look towards his friend tells him otherwise, though.

_Fuck. _ _Nice going, Diaz._

“For wanting me to stay?” Buck asks quietly, blue eyes knowing and wondering and soft.

Soft in that way Eddie wonders is just for him.

“Yeah,” he replies back, just as quiet. “I was angry—still am—for wanting you to stay... For wishing and hoping and wanting you to want to.”

Eddie can’t look at Buck after that. It’s a loaded confession and he doesn’t know everything it entails. Can’t explain it to Buck if he asks and even if he could, even if the looks Buck sends mean anything, have ever meant anything, are either of them ready?

Eddie’s not.

This thing for Buck... It’s been there. It’s lived in his chest and made a little home and it made the lawsuit hurt that much. Eddie’s grown okay with it. It’s more that he’s not sure what to do with it now. Not sure how to navigate his relationship with Buck now that it’s different. He forgave Buck and he’s not angry anymore, but it’s more than him and Buck.

The distance, the lack of communication, all on top of Shannon and the tsunami... Eddie can’t help but worry about Christopher and, as much as he trusts Buck, isn’t entirely sure if he trusts Buck all the same. It’s different now.

Yes, tonight is a step in the right direction. Eddie is forever grateful for all that Buck does for him and Christopher, but them being _more_ entails something entirely different than just sleepovers and last-minute babysitting. Eddie doesn’t think he’s ready for that, yet.

“Eddie,” Buck’s thumb is stroking the back of his hand and he forgets he’s avoiding Buck’s eyes at the moment. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there—Not just for you, but Christopher, too.

“I know it seems like I didn’t think, but I did and all I could come up with is that it wouldn’t matter that much. That I didn’t mean that much to all of you.”

Buck’s voice cracks on the last sentence and Eddie wants to tell him it’s okay and that he’s apologized enough, but Buck waves away the reassurance.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t there when you needed me, but Eddie, I swear, I’m here now,” Buck’s eyes are desperate.

“I know,” Eddie says softly and wonders if there’s a look he reserves for Buck. “Just talk to me before doing shit like suing Cap’ and the LAFD?”

“Are you going to quit fighting?” Buck deflects. 

“Yes.”

Buck gives him a pointed look like he doesn’t believe him and Eddie sighs, “Tonight was it. I’ll get help, Buck. It was stupid and the last thing Christopher needs is another dead parent.”

The other firefighter seems a bit shocked at the statement and Eddie glances towards Christopher’s room, “I know it’s something you just have to trust me on, but I promise, Buck, this is it. No more fights. You were right when you said I wasn’t thinking about Christopher and that’s not... That’s not who I want to be.”

Buck’s voice is gentle, “We’ll figure it out, Eddie. Just... I’ll talk to you, so long as you talk to me when it gets too much.”

“You’ll have to be around for that,” Eddie shakes their intertwined hands for emphasis. “We don’t even know if—“

“I want this, Eddie,” Buck covers their hands with his free one. “I don’t know if either of us are really in a place for this right now, but...”

“Eventually?”

“We’ll get there,” Buck promises.

Eddie smiles at that and pushes up from the ground. Buck tilts his head in confusion and he swears Buck was a puppy in another life. “What are we—“

“We are going to sleep,” Eddie points to the bed and Buck yawn’s as if on cue. “Then, tomorrow, we’ll talk about us and getting me better anger management.”

“Are you sure—“

“I don’t plan on going anywhere, Buck,” Eddie glances over his shoulder as he gets onto the mattress. “Also, it’s too late and you might as well stay.”

Buck eyes flit between the doorway and Eddie.

“You can take the guest room, but,” Eddie gestured to the empty space next to him. “Company is nice and I like when you’re around.”

The other man smiles, “I like when you’re around, too. Plus, I want to be here, with you, right now, tomorrow, and every moment after.”

“C’mon,” Eddie tugs and Buck crawls into bed beside him.

With both of them comfortable, Eddie turns and switches off the bed-side lamp. Despite the darkness, his and Buck’s eyes meet when he’s facing him again. Like magnets that can’t ever seems to stay away, Eddie thinks that despite everything, and a little bit because of everything, they’ll figure everything out.

”There’s nowhere else I’d rather be,” Buck whispers and they find each other’s hand in the space between them.

There’s a lot they still need to talk through. There are dynamics and complications that need to be discussed and trust that needs to be rebuilt. There’s a future, all unpredictable and messy, that will take more than one night to work through. More problems than one night can fix. They’re both here, though.

“Then stay,” and Buck does.

And for Eddie?

That’s more than enough.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading and thank you to the anon who sent in this prompt! It took me a while to write, but I really hoped you enjoyed it!
> 
> I don't really take prompts, but if you send one to me on tumblr (ostenatiousalibis) or leave one in the comments, I'll try to get to it. It might take awhile, but I'll do my best.
> 
> Also, I know there wasn't any real Buddie in this, more the implications of it, but I think Buck and Eddie need some time to heal before they hop into a romantic relationship with each other. Rest assured, though, there's a happy ending (at least in this universe).
> 
> Again, thank you so much for reading and comments are appreciated. I'll do my best to respond to them. ^_^


End file.
